There’s a new face at thortful HQ, and she’s already told the CEO his tie is “a bit loud” and rearranged the biscuit tin by “dunkability.”
Meet Mrs. Thortful. She’s got the sharpest wit in the North, a pair of glasses she spends more time looking over than through, and a supernatural ability to spot a boring card from three miles away. We sat her down for a quick chat, though she mostly just interrogated us.
Mrs. Thortful, be honest - who are you really?
(She peers over her frames, and smiles knowingly.)
“I’m the woman who saves you from yourself, sweetheart. I’m the one who makes sure that when you send a card, it actually does something. I’ve got a file on everyone: from the roadman who needs to tell his mum she’s the GOAT, to the timid new Mum who’s too tired to spell her own name. I’m the Sherlock Holmes of sentiment, only I solve the mystery of why your brother thinks a picture of a cartoon golf ball is a personality trait.”
Where did you come from, and why now?
“I’ve always been here, lurking in the background of your bad card choices. But frankly, I’ve seen enough. The world’s gone a bit beige, hasn’t it? I’m here because somebody needs to put the ‘human’ back into the giving game. Why now? Because if I see one more card with a glittery teddy bear holding a generic balloon, I’m going to glue myself to the M25.”
What do you stand for - and what do you absolutely not have time for?
“I stand for cards that make you snort tea out of your nose or have a proper, ugly-cry sob. If your best mate is a total nightmare, tell her! If your husband’s snoring is grounds for divorce but you quite like his roast potatoes, put it in writing.
What I don’t have time for? Life’s too short for fluff. Just say it like it is.”
How do you feel about boring cards?
(A long, silent stare. She slowly takes off her glasses.)
“Darlin’, a boring card is a waste of a stamp and an insult to the person receiving it. All it says is, ‘I thought about you for exactly four seconds while I was buying milk.’
If a card doesn’t make someone blush, laugh, or question your sanity, it’s just a piece of folded paper.”
Any advice for people who struggle to 'say it like you mean it?'
“You’re not wearing a ruff, so stop trying to be Shakespeare. Think about the person. What’s that one joke only you two get? What’s the thing they do that drives you crackers? Write that down. Whether you’re a goth or a grandma, just be real. If you’re still stuck, come see me. I’ve got just the thing, sweetheart. Just don’t stand there gawping at your screen – search and scroll!”
What can we expect from you next?
“I’ll be popping up when you least expect it to make sure you aren’t sending ‘safe’ cards. I’ve got big plans, a lot of typing to do, and a front garden full of people asking for advice. Now, if you’re finished with the questions, I’ve got a roadman waiting outside who needs a Mother’s Day card that’ll make his Mum weep with pride.
And there you have it. The woman, the myth, the person who probably knows your auntie’s birthday better than you do.
Whether it’s a milestone birthday, a “sorry I ruined your kitchen” note, or just a Tuesday afternoon “thinking of you,” she’s got your back. Keep an eye out for her across our site and socials!
