With Valentine\u2019s Day approaching, thortful exclusively interviewed match-making expert and owner of award-winning dating agency Cupid In The City, Siobhan Copland, to discuss 2024 dating trends, such as \u2018date-gap\u2019 and \u2018slow dating\u2019, as well as first-date etiquette, long-term relationships, finding the perfect match, and more.<\/p>\n
Just keep on reading to discover why coffee shops and dinner dates are the worst places to meet, the exact way of resolving the awkward bill payment at the end of a date all the way to why the TikTok loyalty test is such a dangerous game and how to handle a catfisher.<\/p>\n
This interview is the perfect source of information for new daters and long-term couples ahead of the most romantic day of the year.<\/p>\n
\u201cI personally don\u2019t like coffee dates, I find them a little too formal, and coffee shops are often overcrowded, so it feels uncomfortable to be meeting someone for the first time, queuing up for 10 minutes to get a hot drink, and then you may not even get a seat!<\/p>\n
I\u2019d recommend picking an actual venue rather than meeting at a tube station. Unless you are planning to stand by a clock tower with flowers, it is totally unromantic and stressful to be looking for someone in a busy crowd, to then wander around hoping to find somewhere.<\/p>\n
It really is the thought that counts, so think ahead to where will be comfortable, warm, relaxed, and ideally book in advance to ensure you have seats waiting. I am quite fond of activity-based dates too, a couple I recently set up went to a glow-in-the-dark arts class for example.<\/p>\n
It gives you a focal point of discussion and helps you to be present, and not go into interview mode of asking a bunch of questions which can be quite intense, so I think, particularly if you are someone who gets quite nervous on dates, \u00a0a dinner date will increase your nervousness and intensity, so I would suggest an activity which you can focus on, and focus on the fun.<\/p>\n
Dinner, I suggest, for when you are more comfortable, but ensure there is the option to get a nibble, hunger can change our moods quite significantly.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnything with a lot of garlic and onions. Just in case you do go in for a kiss, and before you order nuts or shellfish, check your date doesn\u2019t have any allergies. I\u2019d also recommend not eating anything that puts you at risk of making a mess, such as spaghetti and soups.<\/p>\n
No one really wants to hear slurping on a first date meal and avoid foods like ribs where you might get food stuck in your teeth. You don\u2019t want your date to have to tell you about the spinach that\u2019s been sitting in the front of your mouth after ten minutes of conversation, as let’s face it, they will be thinking less about what you are talking about and more about how to tell you.<\/p>\n
\u201cI would always try to get their number first or offer yours so you can text or call when they have arrived. But I would also message them first if they don\u2019t feel comfortable giving their number to say you will be at a landmark, say for example, waiting outside the red phone box wearing a navy shirt.<\/p>\n
I also always suggest smiling first if you think it is them, you can usually tell by the way someone smiles back whether they are really taken aback, there is usually some eye contact that suggests some recognition, and a nod.<\/p>\n
So, look out for body language, and if you can\u2019t see them after a few minutes, position yourself somewhere away from crowds and send a message describing where you are and what you are wearing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWith catfishes, they rarely want to meet in person, or at least say they do but come up with a bunch of excuses because they really relish the attention they get from their online persona.<\/p>\n
But if someone shows up looking nothing like their photos, I would be very upfront and say, \u2018I am sorry but I am not comfortable continuing with this date as I was led to believe I was meeting someone else – you aren\u2019t the same person from the photographs and dishonesty is a total deal breaker\u2019, and leave.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI think for the first interaction I would avoid such close physical contact, if at the end of the night you are at ease with each other, you may want to end with a kiss on the cheek.<\/p>\n
Read their body language and how close they have been towards you throughout the night. Are they making strong eye contact, do they lean towards you? At the start though, a smile eye contact and an upbeat \u2018hi nice to meet you\u2019 will do fine!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you have time, a little workout and shower could work to ease some tension, try not to have caffeine before as it can make you jittery. Get there before your date so you have time to get seated and relaxed, say 15 mins before, and stick on some music or read a book till they arrive; best to look occupied rather than nervously looking around.<\/p>\n
\u201cExes, anything that also makes you appear that you are of a negative mindset like complaining about your job, complaining about poor treatment from others. Try to keep things light and fun to boost your chances of a second date.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI think it is not necessary to ask questions like why are you single or how long have you been single? Stick to feel-good topics \u2013 opening up someone\u2019s relationship profile could make them upset \u2013 they could have recently come out of a tough break up and it\u2019s taken them a lot of courage to start dating again. Also, definitely avoid politics, having different opinions could end up in complete disaster.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt has to feel reciprocated, so I think put it out there that you would like to meet again and gauge their response. If they seem pleased, try to book a second date on the first date by checking each other\u2019s availability the following week.<\/p>\n
Once a week for early dating in the first month is about right, and not lots of texting in between. You could even make it clear you are not big on texting when you are first getting to know someone, you prefer to get to know each other when you are face to face.\u201d<\/p>\n
This is the only time I can agree on your presence being the present for the first date, gifts are something to work towards and have more of an impact once an emotional connection has been built. Plus, overspending or a gesture that\u2019s too big could scare your date, and you don\u2019t want to make them feel bad if they\u2019ve brought nothing for you!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI think the etiquette is that whoever invited the person there should really pay for the first time, and after 2 or 3 dates I think it is polite to suggest splitting or to make it your treat.\u201d<\/p>\n
When the bill comes, I think it is always polite to ask. It doesn\u2019t matter who says it first, but I would always approach with \u201cHow would you like us to handle the bill?\u201d If one person insists that they will get it, then respond graciously and thank them for their generosity and kindness, that is enough. You don\u2019t need to then say, \u2018ok I will get the next one.\u2019 It\u2019s not about owing, it is about accepting someone wanting to court you effectively.<\/p>\n
If they suggest splitting, then you go with that. Always be prepared to pay, but if the person wants to treat you, let them, don\u2019t make a fuss. Don\u2019t instantly assume you\u2019re getting a free meal though, it will leave you annoyed if the other person wants to split it. And finally, a big red flag \u2013 don\u2019t bring the bill up at the start of the date, don\u2019t instantly say \u201cWe\u2019re splitting this, aren\u2019t we?\u201d, or \u201cYou\u2019re paying, aren\u2019t you?\u201d, as it will instantly make things feel awkward.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI think consistency and communication are what makes it clear. So, focus on those two things. So many people keep things inside and don\u2019t express how they feel, which can lead to distancing and tension.<\/p>\n
If you want to show you\u2019re still very much interested, you have to risk putting yourself out there. Even if it’s not reciprocated, you are more likely to know where you stand by making your stance clear.<\/p>\n
\u201cCompliments cost nothing but mean a lot. Continuing to make an effort with your appearance, dressing up when you meet, and smelling good too – these things may be for you, but also signal to your partner you care about continuing to seduce them and maintaining that level of attraction.<\/p>\n
Planning regular date nights – if you haven\u2019t got the budget to eat out, look up a recipe online and cook together and play music in the background to set a mood. Words are also powerful, a nice card with thoughtful words, not just on occasions that everyone celebrates but also when they have had a tough time at work. It\u2019s all about staying tuned in with each other and empowering one another.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe same routine can make people feel that they are stuck in a rut, if the energy feels low between you both it’s important to have those open and honest conversations. Like businesses, have quarterly meetings, as a partnership you should regularly have a check-in, but not in a way where you are blaming and criticising.<\/p>\n
Communication breakdown is the number one relationship killer, and busy work schedules, like commitments and responsibilities, mean sometimes your relationship may end up feeling like it\u2019s last on the list, but you must prioritise your relationship, or you will both feel neglected and taken for granted, and that\u2019s where many problems may stem.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSneakiness with their phone, not wanting to leave their phone lying around, hiding the screen when you sit nearby, being on their phone a lot more often. But ultimately your intuition tells you something is off, so instead of playing detective, it is always best to follow your intuition.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFriendship, strong physical connection, mutual respect, trust, forgiveness, and honest open communication.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI think if you find yourself developing an attraction to someone else, it is nothing you need to automatically raise with your partner, it is possible to develop slight crushes on people but it doesn\u2019t mean there is an issue in your relationship, it is human nature to still find other people attractive even when you are committed and loyal to your partner, but it is how you act upon it.<\/p>\n
If you find yourself obsessing over another person or wanting to make contact with them frequently, that is when it becomes an issue and could result in an emotional affair developing, so it\u2019s important not to let it go unchecked for long. You need to also check in with yourself as to what it is about this person, and what excites you. It could be addressing that you are feeling a little bored of your relationship and this person brings exciting new energy, and that is when you need to consider ways to reinvigorate your current relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe loyalty check test is a dangerous thing to get into. If you must play detective to find out if your partner is loyal then that is probably enough of a sign that your intuition is telling you this isn\u2019t the person you are going to end up with.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s a huge trust risk here too, if you get it wrong and you\u2019ve relied on something like TikTok to try and find it out, your partner will feel completely let down. These matters should be discussed privately before using a tool to intervene. You probably wouldn\u2019t have gone straight on Jeremy Kyle without having a conversation about it all, would you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI think social media guidance is causing a lot of people to be misguided, people who have no real experience with relationships giving advice and influencing people to approach relationships in a very discardable way.<\/p>\n
The focus is to get what you can and dump them, calling most things red flags, when often they are simply things that come up in relationships that we need to navigate and work through.<\/p>\n
Put time into your partner rather than looking at other people\u2019s worlds and lives on social media, it\u2019s all about perspective and sometimes people believe they can get more than what they already have, but in reality, you have something amazing, and you should work on it!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cValues are the glue that keeps a relationship going, so look for someone who has values aligned to yours. When dating, talk about your own interests to see if you have any familiar ground. The natural flow of the conversation is a key indicator that this person could be well-suited to you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt is more about a feeling, if you just don\u2019t feel on the same wavelength, and you just have opposing morals and values, and you don\u2019t feel conversation flows easily, that\u2019s probably a clear sign. If you feel drained by them rather than energised from their company that is quite telling.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou have the same values, a similar outlook on life, they get along with your friends and family, you have a good physical connection, they are the first person you want to call when you have news, time flies when you are together, and you can enjoy laughter, conversation, and comfortable silence.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI think it is always about being authentic, if you are intentionally dating because you would like to meet someone and eventually start a family, put it out there. You aren\u2019t saying you want kids with them, but it is something you want in your future, you will also scare off people who don\u2019t want the same and that\u2019s a good thing!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThere is less chivalry in dating today, which many are hoping will make a return, but since the pandemic, dating slowed down to virtual dates, and somehow continued with this approach. This means there are fewer boozy dates, it is not ideal to meet someone for the first time just to get drunk together, it totally distorts your better judgement. \u201c<\/p>\n
\u201cI am in favour of phone calls but not so big on video calls first, particularly for me I think the first impression on appearance is important and I would say it is better your date sees you walk over rather than looking up your nostrils on a video call.<\/p>\n
It just feels less natural and not very enticing. A few voice notes are nice, it helps you to feel safer, particularly if meeting off an app, to hear someone\u2019s voice, you can pick up quite a bit from it, and it also contributes towards building attraction.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt is important to be open with each other about what your likes and dislikes are, and also look at ways to keep things interesting and exciting, there are even card games you can get where you can ask those questions, make it fun rather than an intense discussion.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThere have always been swingers and threesomes but now we are adopting these terms to make it sound new and trendy, I don\u2019t think it\u2019s new, it\u2019s just when celebrities do something it kind of gives the rest of society the green light to be more open.<\/p>\n
I would ask yourself if monogamy is really for you, or would you prefer a non-monogamous relationship, and be open about this with people you meet from the start. If you want to open up your relationship then it is about approaching it with curiosity to find out your partner’s values around this. If you choose to explore there are lots of events you can find where you can look around and see if it is your vibe and take part if you wish.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPersonally, I think up to 10 years is ideal. But it is really about whether your energy Is aligned, there are people in their 50\u2019s who are more vivacious and energetic than people in their 30\u2019s so it is about the individual and how you connect.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell it has long been said women mature quicker than men, but ultimately it often comes down to having someone you can look up to, to learn and grow from, and I think it\u2019s a false sense of security that with age comes wisdom, as age isn\u2019t a direct indicator of levels of maturity.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI think since the pandemic people\u2019s mindset has shifted, people have changed some of their priorities, and people have become more focused on values and want to date more intentionally.<\/p>\n
So, getting to know people before meeting is something people still seem to want to do, we value our time more, as we know how precious it really is. I just hope more people would consider that attraction can also be slow and that just because you don\u2019t have fireworks date one, doesn\u2019t mean they can\u2019t be what you need, a cosy fireplace later down the line.\u201d<\/p>\n
For more interesting reads like this, be sure to check out the thortful blog<\/a> where we’ve previously delved into first date dos and don’ts<\/a>, dating trends<\/a>, and more.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"